The Unexpected

I think I mentioned yesterday at how hard it has been to think about Abby Kate and her leaving her only family she's ever known.  I have been very surprised at the unexpected heaviness of my heart in the last two weeks.  For over 5 years, we've anticipated the day we'd get to see her precious face.  Everything was building to that joyous moment.  But now that we've seen her, I've found my emotions taking a turn in the opposite direction.  Obviously, we are still ecstatic to be traveling to bring her home.  But that excitement has been overshadowed by the grief I know she will feel and the sadness I'm feeling for her.  I don't think I've ever let my mind go to that place.  The story of her being left, abandoned, became so much more real once I saw her face.  Before it was just, "It's tragic that people abandon their babies."  Now it's changed to my heart being broken at the thought of MY daughter lying alone in a box or on a step to a police station.  Even as I type, I'm listening to a song by Meredith Andrews that reminds me of God's tremendous love for and faithfulness towards Abby Kate.  "You're not alone for I am here.  Let Me wipe away your every tear.  My love, I've never left your side.  I have seen you through the darkest night.  And I'm the One who's loved you all your life.  All your life."  Praise Him that He has been with her all along.  That He gave her life.  That He protected her when her parents felt they either couldn't take care of her anymore or didn't want her because she wasn't the boy they'd wished for.

While I was so thrilled to hear that she's been in a foster home, now my sadness returns as I heard today that we probably won't get to meet them.  I want so badly to hug their necks, to let them see how much we love her, to thank them for the gift of life they've given my daughter.  I know it would be gut-wrenching to meet them and take her away.  She would be devastated.  So I know it's probably best.  But it still remains something I want very much to be able to do.  I'm praying now that God would allow us the very rare privilege to meet them, but only if that would be healthy for Abby Kate.  I have to put my feelings aside, as do all parents, in the interest of the well-being of my daughter.

Our case worker at our agency said today that we can expect some major grieving on Abby Kate's part.  That pierced my heart to hear it.  I don't want her to hurt!  She said we may have to stay in the hotel room for the majority of the first few days, away from crowds, to help Abby Kate in her healing process and to aid in her journey of bonding with us.  What sweet time that will be, though.  Uninterrupted, completely devoted time to loving on her and letting her learn to trust us.  After 5 1/2 years of waiting for her, I think that sounds pretty nice.